It’s been awhile since I’ve had a chance to blog. Does anyone out there have a nutball in the family? I mean like an alcoholic, or a narcissist or someone with borderline personality disorder? It’s not very fun dealing with them. Not easy. They have a tendency to absorb all your time and energy by creating drama and making everyone in the family feel bad while turning themselves into a martyr. I’m sure most of you can relate. We all have someone who we have to deal with who fits this general description. I’m pretty sure that part of what fine tunes psychic ability is growing up with a crazy parent. It’s a heightened form of instinct, self-preservation. What will crazy do today? Be nice or kick me out of the house?
Every psychic I’ve ever known came from a seriously messed up family. I suppose being psychic is the consolation prize for dealing with insanity during childhood. Personally I would have prefered a normal family to “the gift.” But then we don’t get to choose sometimes, or perhaps I did choose before I could remember (on the other side).
Which brings me to a few points I’d like to make about how western people have assimilated the notion of Karma and Darma. We seem to have used it as a substitute for the old fashioned “God is punishing me,” or “I must be doing something right,” ideas. It’s become a New Age way of blaming the victim. I’m not sure if anyone saw the Oprah show about the girl who was so neglected that she was still in a diaper and weighed 30 pounds at the age of 6. She couldn’t feed herself, had lice and cockroach bites all over her and slept on a mildewed piece of foam. She couldn’t walk or talk and was still being fed from a bottle. She was cognitively still a baby from the severe neglect. Her name was Danielle and when her mother was asked in an interview about the girl she said, “All I’m guilty of is, is not keeping a clean house.” Then she started crying and said, “I love that baby.” And then when the interviewer asked the woman if she regretted anything (this was after the mother had been informed of the severe retardation she had caused the girl due to her neglect) she answered, “Moving to Florida.” Because Florida authorities were the ones who busted her and took Danielle away from her. This woman went out drinking constantly, left her child in the care of her two mentally retarded brothers and said to authorities, “I’m doing the best that I can.”
I was very disturbed by this story for so many reasons. The little girl was permanently damaged by this neglect. Although she was adopted by some kind people, her life was stolen by her sick mother. Children who suffer neglect feel invisible and those who suffer from any and all abuse feel its their own fault. This is a defense mechanisim. It’s actually easier to (as a child) believe you are the problem than your parent is, because you are completely dependant on them and the only thing you have control over is yourself, therefore if you’re a bad kid then you can change your behavior and magically your sick parent will become kind and loving. Of course this isn’t true but it is the fantasy all abused and neglected children have about their sick parent or sick parents.
Stay with me here I want to tie this mentality to many New Age beliefs. Louis L. Hay wrote a book in the late 1980s that broke down each illness and told you what was emotionally causing it, like you have back troubles, you are feeling unsupported. While I can see the value in how certain types of stress contribute to our physical problems, sometimes its really not our fault and we do not have control no matter how much we wish we did. Sometimes a person gets back trouble because they get hit by a drunk driver, or they fall down the stairs. Or they have a genetic disease. I have trouble with many of the New Age beliefs that don’t allow for chaos and the dark side of human nature. Many New Age beliefs hinge on a love and light philosophy where everything is decided by our souls before we incarnate and there are no victims and all is for the good of our development. Bull shit.
Pure and simple bull shit. There are people who throw monkey wrenches into our plans, there are people who do not live up to their side of a bargain and there are children born to psychopaths who treat them like potted plants and who steal their development and life away. How can this sort of serious abuse and neglect of a child be anything but the fault of the crazy person who could do that to a child and still believe they “love,” them. Why would any soul choose to incarnate into a situation like what Danielle had to suffer and what could she possibly have learned from it? She will spend the rest of her life with the cognitive skills of an 18 month old and when her foster parents die, she’ll end up in an institution. Does anyone deserve that? And if they do then why would Danielle have been rescued and what gives that mother the right to be so cruel?
The tangle of moral questions are too great to be answered with simple New Age platitudes or really any spiritual ideas because these are depraved acts done in the service of the darkest sides of their nature without thought or care of anyone but themselves. These people operate in the darkness of the unconsccious playing out their shadow selves while being completely unaware and unable to experience love or empathy.This mother clearly had some sort of personality disorder. She was completely unable to have empathy for anyone, even her own child.
Which leads to the question of what causes this incredible lack of empathy among people with certain personality disorders? Is it chemical, genetic or enviornmental or do they bring into this life some sort of spiritual lack that makes them incapable of caring for anyone else. These people often have deep feelings for themselves and see themselves as victims with elaborate justifications for their actions. They can turn their own evil deed into the passing stranger’s fault in a split second. They live like Plato’s cave people, in an eternal darkness projecting their emotional troubles onto others without ever seeing themselves or how they are hurting others. They never take responsibility or say they are sorry for anything as they see themselves as godlike, above all others, their emotions being the only ones that count. These are the people that bring chaos to our world, who cause wars, who are destroyers. They balance those among us who go out of our way to help others. They are the entropy to our growth. There must be a purpose for them, but I still haven’t figured out what it is yet.
Many blessing to all you kind and good people,
Denise
Astrology and Psychic Predictions 
Hi Denise,
I’ve had quite a number of these types of people in my life past and present. Like you, I do not know what purpose they serve. No matter how hard I’ve worked at rising above it all and to stay positive these people do damage and can be quite soul destroying.
Also, this year, I’ve been questioning and re-evaluating the so called New Age beliefs I’ve taken on. I do wonder whether satan is behind the New Age industry and many religions. I have too many questions and not enough answers I’m afraid.
This week I experienced a horrific loss. One of my two horses that I raised from a foal together with her birth mother died a horrific death. It’s the second time in five years that she has had a very bad experience but this time it was fatal. I just don’t understand why terrible things can happen to such a lovely, kind, loving, giving, spirited, very beautiful, well cared for and very loved angelic soul.
Regards
Carol
Hi Denise –
You wrote a very thought provoking entry.
I don’t believe that there is much “New” in New Age..most of the ideas have been around for many centuries. The Old Testament is full of violence and suffering ..much of it caused by God himself. History and all religions (except Buddhism to some extent) are full of violent acts committed against others. The history of most countries (including the USA) are also full of violence right up to today.
The world is full of violence and evil people doing unspeakable things to others.
At the same time, the world is also full of people who are trying, consciously or unconsciously, to make the world a better place than they found it.
Yin and Yang, Black and White, Good and Evil, Karma and Dharma. It seems to be a basic of life..a balance and a battle between the good and the bad.
Given that this has always been and will probably always be..is there an explanation?
You ask a great question. Are some people genetically “born bad”? Probably. Do some people become bad because of their parents? Probably some. Are some people bad because of their environment? Probably.
But then again, some people are born into terrible family situations and become great. Some are born with defects and diseases and become great and some are born into harsh environments and become great.
What do they have that the “bad” ones don’t?
At this point we have to decide whether we believe the universe is just one big random event generator with absolutely no logic behind it or whether we believe that there is intelligence
(God, Higher Power, Infinite Intelligence..whatever you like) behind it all.
The key here is belief. It can be argued logically either way. Your belief is your key to how you understand it and how you react to the seemingly senseless and bad things that happen.
Denise, Blessings to you! I don’t like or agree with Louise Hay’s claims, either. “Blame the victim” is what her bottom line is. I recently re-read a letter I’d written to my mother right after I went to college, about my father’s behavior. One insanity I wrote of in the letter, was about the times he found the hall bathroom door locked when I was in it, and began ragingly yelling that “THERE’S NO REASON FOR LOCKED DOORS IN THIS HOUSE”. It came to me the other night, that BUILDERS usually put a lockable knob on bathroom doors so that people can have privacy, & not be walked-in on. I knew back then, though, that his rages were crazy. Can you imagine privacy being outlawed while one is in bathroom at home ? And my father would rage about “hippies” with long hair, & actually slow down the car to give them a dirty look,to show his disapproval. He raged about the changes in the catholic church. Those are just a few low-lights of the insanities he allowed himself. I absolutely believe now, that the “purpose” of being victimized by all beings who are acting horribly, is to learn to overcome the wrong BS shoved on us by churches about how we must “love and forgive”, and about how “sacred” “FAMILY” is. And then, that we must share what we’ve learned with others, when opportunities arise to help them. Nothing is “sacred” if it isn’t loving and coming from highest places of human capability. But most churches program people to put up with insanity in the name of “love.” I’ve concluded that it is our job to say “no” to cruelty and insanity to the best of our ability, and to get professional support if possible. It is our job to evolve/learn BEYOND what the ignorant ministers, priest, rabbis, etc., push on us to accept. Learning & enlightenment should not stop with a bible, which most religions base their beliefs on. No one has ever quoted to ME any line from God or Jesus in which they commanded that the bible be written, yet the holier-than-thou fools always refer to it as “the WORD”, etc. A lot of it was written by macho men, 1000 yrs ago, and we are meant to learn BEYOND what is in the bible! It is NOT spiritually “correct” to be abused and victiminzed IF you can help it/stop it. It is wrong for the abuser’s soul, as well as wrong for the victims. There is a book I recommend highly, and I recommend the ORIGINAL version of it, which has a yellow and white cover. The newer version, of same title, is not the same. Look on ebay or amazon, for “The Language of Letting Go”, by Melody Beattie. It helps support you in either limiting your exposure to such sick people, or removing yourself from a situation. It is really bad that in most families, and in life, period, people choose DENIAL as way of NOT dealing with bad problems. My mother would not get “help” in dealing with my father; she was weak, she didn’t work, was supported by him. So her attitude, as I re-read in my old letter to her, was , “try to understand him.” I thought, “My God, try to understand a person who is insane?” But she was weak and pitiful, and allowed his insanity and cruelty. She did not do a good job as “mother.” I really do feel that those of us who are victims of such, have a soul opportunity to grow by learning new behavior, and learning to save and protect ourselves, even if it means being alienated/distanced from the other family members who continue to “play the family game”, as my counselor used to refer to it. (That meant that no matter what anyone in the family did,or does, you must put up with it in order to be “loving”.) It is very hurtful to feel your family members don’t care about you. The bottom line is that you have to learn to say no, to stand alone, to be kind to yourself. Those who choose denial are doing wrong to everyone, including themselves, including the hurt parties, by “pretending” they have a “normal”, “loving” family. I hope you and anyone else who may benefit, will find a copy of the original “Language of Letting Go”. I’m sorry for whatever you’ve had to deal with. Another good book is “Pulling Your Own Strings”, by Wayne Dyer. That is one of his early books, which he seems not to mention in recent yrs. He had things “right” in his earlier yrs, then he got into his spiritual “wandering in the desert” phase, as I consider it, and his books in the last 20 yrs or so have been about how “ALL” you have to do is….think positive, visualize, believe, etc. He has not snapped out of his wrong-turn, and I fear he may not! He had things “righter” when he was younger. Either one chooses to “live” with the insanity of a family member , and live with the denial of other family members who prefer not to grow/do the right thing, or you choose to get the support you need to refuse exposing yourself to hurtful and wrong and life-scarring behavior from a being who refuses to admit his/her huge problem. Those who “support” that sick/mean person are “enablers”, which makes them almost as guilty.
P.S. To Carol, I am so sorry about your loss. I love pets, and have grieved hugely , and I’m so sorry for your grief/loss. This life is a tough school, and I honestly do not feel good about “God” for allowing all that happens. We’re supposed to love, then we pay the prices for loving, by losing those we love dearly. Denise, regarding children who are abused: I think they are “opportunities” for others close to the situation to have courage to help them. Not very long ago, in this century, the attitude was that a man could do whatever to his wife or children…neighbors did not “interfere”. If a man beat his wife, the other men decreed, so I gather, that that was “his wife”, and “his business.” Wives and kids were “property.” There has been some improvement in this regard, but my God, what a bad mess most of life is. Way too many people who are content to be “mediocre” instead of rising to whatever heights are possible, to do their best to further right and good….Blessings to all.
I believe that people like those you are referring to here (people that seem to test us to our limits as we try to tiptoe on eggshells to avoid their unpredictable wrath) give us the opportunity to experience forgiveness and compassion and understanding like nothing else can. We can choose to react negatively in response to them, or we can choose to understand that they are not fully capable of behaving in a more accepted manner. Their purpose in this incarnation is to play the “bad guy”–they OFFERED to do this for us, believe it or not–so that we could learn the ultimate in acceptance, understanding, and foregiveness. I can’t imagine what it must feel like for them (alcoholics, BPDs, etc.) to have to play this role for our sake; oblivious to that fact. I’ve looked into their eyes seconds before full-blown meltdowns and seen desperation, pleading (to make it stop), and…a helplessness and inability to prevent the awful outburst even though they desperately want to. It’s a glimpse into their souls that haunts me and makes me feel very sorry for them. You have to keep in mind that they are NOT thinking as you and I do–they do NOT have the tools to handle their feelings like you and I do. You simply can’t compare their behavior to our behavior. So, yes, it creates drama and makes the lives of family and friends completely chaotic and nightmarish, and we can’t imagine how we can go on living like that. But while we can clearly see how much they are hurting US, we have to also see how much THEY must hurt inside, trapped in the role they agreed to. Likewise, the purpose of people who are born or become severely disabled in some way or other is to teach those who care for them: compassion, selflessness, acceptance. They chose to return in a body (or mind) that would fail them and a lifetime of obstacles WILLINGLY, not because they needed the lesson for their own soul’s progress, but to offer lessons necessary to the progression of other souls.
Cheri,
I have read your post several times. You have put into words how I think, feel, and believe. Thank you.
Denise,
I too am the child of a single parent who is and has always been mentally off balance-severely. I also have a brother who is a sociopath. The pain these 2 people have brought me is difficult to grasp.
The total abandonment from childhood through today and is life altering for me. Funny though, I am caring for the same parent who is now terminal. I can not turn my back on her as she did me. Yes, it would be much easier to but I have decided to push past that and make the most of the situation.
Yes, i do believe that i have psychic
abilities, but I am grateful for them. I am anxious to pursue them, become stronger in that pursuit, and to assist mankind however I can.
I try daily to be a productive person, yet deep inside am more interested in being alone and with nature. I have given up trying to figure out why I was born into this family. I just want to live my life without their influence, past or present.
I thank you for your site.
Blessing, Best, and hugs.
I love this site, but I respectfully disagree with many ideas presented in the posting. I would never label your beliefs “BS”, but you are certainly entitled to choose to so label. The problem with not accepting all responsibility for your life is that you will forever be a victim. I don’t think the creator created victims. Only we can create them, or accept that role, ourselves. I believe there are no accidents and that we in fact create our life experience, all of it, through our thoughts, beliefs and attitudes. I believe we are all part of God, or, if she doesn’t mind the term, “All That Is.” Even the creeps are.
I am so sorry for all the bad experiences everyone has had. I have a textbook narcisist for a mother. I am sure I did not intentionally either in this life or before pick such a nutcase to be my mom. Personally, I think that’s how the cookie crumbled so to speak, so I got the loopy parents I got.
I don’t know if I believe in karma or dharma. I do believe in self determination though. I believe my wacko family with their excellent health insurance continues to choose insanity over sanity because it feels comfortable and “safe” to them. It does not to me, therefore, I have changed. Change scares people. I have found people will go through almost anything rather than change even if change would make them 900% happier and more self actualized.
Although, I feel my mother is too dangerous to include in my circle anymore, I am still in contact with most of the rest of my crazy family. It’s a senseless thing, but I love them even if they are weird. And now most of them are getting to be so old it doesn’t matter anymore.
Sometimes I think if only we could take all the stigma out of mental illness so being mentally ill was no different than physical illness, well then maybe people would get the help they need. Even my mother, whom I cannot stand, is a “victim” of her illness (which she can well afford to have treated, but has choosen not to). That doesn’t mean we are going to hang out, but it does mean, from a safe distance, I can have compassion for her.
While I will never understand why this woman behaved the way that she did, I can have compassion for her as a mentally ill person. I hope that she gets the care that she needs, hopefully, while in prison, because victim of her illness or not, she is a criminal who needs to be seperated from society until she can behave in an acceptable way.
MELISSA – thank you so much for your condolences regarding the loss of my beloved horse. It was very comforting to receive such kind words from someone I have never met. It can be lonely grieving for animals as some people do not understand or relate to the bond and love that can develop between humans and animals.
CHRISTOPHER – I totally relate to the fact that you would rather be alone and with nature. My free time is largely spent like this but also with animals (well one animal now and the wild life). This is when I feel totally at peace and at one with this universe – alone in nature with animals (Nirvana).
CHERI & SALLY ANN – I used to look at things the way you do. I am not saying you are either right or wrong or what I say next is either right or wrong. It’s just that I think we can never fully understand some things and need to accept this sometimes.
I have had numerous experiences and long term exposure to people with NPD and have observed them and have done extensive research on the disorder. My experience and research has revealed that these people know exactly what they are doing but do not care. All they care about is themselves and do not care who they trample on in order to get what they want or to make themselves feel bigger and better than everyone else. They make a choice – they choose the dark path. These people have allowed their souls to be consumed by dark forces for selfish gains at the expense of others. But when things go wrong for them they want to cry on the very shoulders they have trampled. These people also do suffer from guilt. I’ve seen it on their faces. They know exactly what they are doing and choose to do so.
I’ve chosen not to sit in either love nor hate of these people. The best thing unsuspecting victims can do is hopefully see these people for what they are, come to terms with it and be indifferent to them. If it means minimising contact or going no contact then so be it – it just depends on what you can cope with. This is when you free yourself from being a victim – when you protect yourself and no longer let them harm you because you have come to terms with who they are and have no expectations of them changing or wasting precious time and energy on trying to change them. Also, many victims do not have the insights or capabilities required to know what they are dealing with or get out of the abusive situation. Giving people with NPD love, foregiveness and compassion enables them. It is saying, “it’s okay for you to be that way”. This just enables dark forces to continue to thrive and also draws you into aligning yourself, your time and energy with dark forces whereupon that time and energy could be better served supporting and helping light souls and victims.
Victims do exist and it is real. Victims are the ones that deserve love, compassion, guidence and support.
Religions and the New Age industry far too often enable and foster dark forces. I’ve chosen to follow to some extent the more realistic, grounded paradigms of basic psychology and also my inner voice. I no longer fully rely on religions and the New Age industry to tell me what the rules are and how I should think and feel and what I should and should not do. I prefer to go within and decide what the truth is with whatever given situation I’m dealing with. Where do these spiritual writers get their information and so called truths and absolutes from in the first place. I truly believe we need to learn to go within and to think for ourselves and to question the beliefs and values put in front of us. Whose truth is it anyway? What is the true meaning of love, compassion and forgiveness?
If any of you are interested, Anna Valerious has a website called “Narcissists Suck” which very well sums up NPD better than anything else I’ve come across.
Question: Are people with NPD the Fallen Angels??? I do wonder! As I’ve said, I don’t know what the answers are and I don’t think anyone has the answers nor is anyone totally right or wrong.
Here is and in depth article about Danielle and how she is doing now:
http://www.tampabay.com/features/humaninterest/article750838.ece
Having compassion for someone who is sevrelly mentally ill and who has no desire or inclination to change does not mean hanging out with them or allowing them to abuse you further. It does not excuse them for the things they have done nor does it give them leave to continue harming others.
In order to heal, one cannot continue to be angry and hurt forever. I admire Christopher for caring for his mother. I could not do this for my own mother, but I would arrange for her care if it became required. No matter how terrible she was and continues to be, she is still a human being.
I feel that true healing comes when one can be compassionately indifferent. Meaning, one can look at the person for the pathetic, diseased person they are and wish them no ill while protecting oneself from them and not allowing oneself to be drawn into an abusive situation again. When even the thoughts of these abusive people do not cause pain, then one is truely healed.
I can feel compassion for my manipulative, abusive mother because she is a seriously ill human being. I hold out the distant hope that one day when she has driven everyone from her who ever cared about her and she is all alone chewing on herself, maybe then she will change. I’ m not hanging out to find out though. I wish her well on her path, but I won’t be travelling with her.
One of the hardest things I ever did was accept I loved my abusers. This is not a flaw. Love is never bad, although, it can be very unwise. My love was not bad or wrong, but it was misplaced and misguided.
Anger was what I needed for a long time and I understand needing to feel angry.
My mother is a like a shark. I have compassion for sharks in that I do not want to see them go extinct and I understand their purpose in the chain of life. However, I am not going to present myself to be eaten by a great white either.
I don’t know quite what my mother’s purpose in the scheme of things is. I would like to think she did at least one thing right. She had me, didn’t she? True, I was the unplanned accident of biology meeting excess youthful libido.
The woman in this story is represensive. I heartily wish she had done real time for the things she has done to all her children. I am not convinced the older developmentally disabled sons are naturely disabled either. In jail, she may have been forced to actually face what she has done and get some help. She needs help. She is a mess. I don’t wish her drawn and quartered. But I do wish she was in jail and her other sons in compassionate care somewhere else.
With all due respect, they are not “pathetic, diseased people.” They are someone’s FAMILY. And you can’t say that someone who is “severely mentally ill” “has no desire to change.” They are UNABLE to! You can distance yourself from them if you must without calling them “pathetic” and “diseased.” That certainly doesn’t help them. This conversation has become too disheartening for me to continue.
Oh Cheri,
I wish that you wouldn’t end this conversation.
You have a gift of words and the ability to present another viewpoint. One that isn’t often heard. You speak for the ill who cannot speak,
you speak for the rest of us who think and feel
the way you do but aren’t as eloquent. You speak of love. I think that the world needs more
people who are able to express it-Love.
With all due respect Cheri, you do not know my mother or my situtation.
Thanks to all of you who have shared your experiences. It has been like therapy for me. I too have this personality in my family and have chosen to distance myself and become an observer rather than a participant. This action took me 48 years and make no mistake, they are “pathetic, diseased people” who thrive on others pain and energy and one crisis never ends before another begins. Their ” insanity”
becomes contagious, everyone in their vacinity keeps repeating the same old, same old.
I do want to say that life is wonderful if one can disentangle and refuse to live their drama.
.
WOW! It’s ironic how appropriate this post is with something I have been going through. It touches on almost all things that you spoke about… Loise Hay, spiritual people and crazy people making people’s lives hell. I just published this page… http://earthangelcarolguy.com It is my little effort to help the world rid themselves of at least one crazy person. Take a look at it. If you feel like you’d like to post it on your blog, go ahead! I think more people need to know about what the hell they are getting into.
Thanks Denise!!,
Sharon (Sparker)
Thank you, Denise, for the post on your mom, and thanks, Carol for the info on NPD and the website. My dad is NPD and very difficult to be around, and it does seem that when my mom and I, the only people left in the family who will tolerate him, help him, he uses it to take advantage. My dad drinks as well. Hmmm…
Hi Juno,
Have you read Anna Valerious’s stance on forgiveness yet? I think she hits the nail of the head.
Hey All,
This page is therapy for me also. To reiterate, I am currently caring for a terminally ill parent who has severe personality disorders. I also have a brother who is a sociopath. I have excluded him from my life 100%. I tried and tried to accept and deal with his behavior but have realized that I have nothing left inside of me when it comes to feelings for him. Nothing. I have been drained. He has put me and my family through so much. I wish I have excluded him from my life years ago. I never thought that i could feel that way about a human being, but I can. I have no regrets not having him in my life. My life is soooooo much easier and better without him in it. I do not miss him AT ALL.
Maybe i haven’t wanted to face the truth when it comes to my parent. These past few days though have made me realize that she is only concerned with herself. ( I knew this but tried to deal with it for over 40 years) The extreme narcissism, thumb on my life, and controlling has got to end. I have nothing left inside of me for her either. I just can’t live another day like this. I did agree with Cheri, and still partly do but also agree with Denise that I must rid this person from my life. She is like cancer-slowly, steadily draining the life and energy from me. And she has. She has taken every bit of good, decency, caring, and what little feelings i have left for her and once again trampled all over them. I feel like such an idiot for tolerating her for all these years.
I imagine if i can have a much better life without a sociopath brother then just imagine the life i can have without a severely mentally ill parent.
I am going to tell my sister today, who is assisting with her care, that we need to put her in a nursing home. Once she is there, I really honestly have no desire to ever see her again or go to her funeral. Yes, she has taken that much from me.
Hi Homelesboy,
Sorry to hear what you have been through but your plan sounds like a good choice. Please don’t look back on your life with regret. Look at the wisdom and growth you have gained from your unfortunate experiences. It will make you a better, stronger person. What you are feeling is perfectly normal given the circumstances so don’t ever feel guilty for feeling the way you do. Also, it is now time for you to start recharging your own battery.
Take care
Carol