Personality Disorders & More…

This seems to be a very hot topic, perhaps one we can all relate to and one that strikes a deep emotional chord. Someone mentioned that calling people who run the gamut from NPD to Anti-Social Personality Disorder uncompassionate is too harsh. I’m only stating a scientific fact. Research has indicated that people with Anti-Social Personality Disorder or those labeled Sociopathic actually only show lower limbic brain activities in response to emotional situations. Tests indicate they are literally not able to have higher functioning feelings such as love, compassion, empathy, etc. There appears to be an organic part to these diseases either non-development of certain types of bonding causes the inability to physically happen in the first few years of life or some people may just have this type of brain, this is where science is unsure.

But just because some people are unable to be compassionate doesn’t mean we should be compassion-less toward them. I am not advocating anything except whatever breaking point a person gets to in dealing with people with these problems should not be judged as everyone has a certain tolerance. And as Chris points out in her interesting post somethings are just forces of nature which we can not control and there is no point in taking it personally. In fact it may have nothing at all to do with us just as the tide moving in has nothing to do with our desire or karma.

It is admirable to take responsibility for the self and necessary for our growth however there are things in life which we are not responsible for and can not change. This perhaps is the lesson. We are not all powerful Gods. We are part of God but we do not control the Universe (Thank God for that, huh!) With so many agendas and so many issues and so many various lessons we sometimes get tangled up in other people’s issues and must learn to separate. It’s OK to not take responsibility for things we have no control over like our health, our family member’s insanity or the death of a loved one. This was my point about New Age philosophy, it often takes very complicated issues and dynamics and boils them down to a catch phrase and black and white thinking. The reason the esoteric side of things was kept secret for the seeker only to know was exactly because information is powerful and misinformation is dangerous. Before we can manifest perfect health and happiness through visualization there maybe 40 years of psychological therapy needed to undo damage done in childhood, or there maybe genetic factors that make it impossible for us to be 100% physically well. We can do our part by taking care of ourselves but we can’t stop old age, disease or death through wishing it away. Chaos and decay are just as important to the balance of nature as love and harmony are, this is not something anyone would say in a get rich quick medicine show New Age book that you would ever read. It’s not what people want to hear. We want to believe we are all powerful and can fix anything we want. But we often can not and there is nothing shameful or wrong with that it is part of the process of life to understand we all must go with the flow of energy we are swimming in.

I talked to one woman today who was having some health problems and was very embarrassed about them. She kept saying she could take care of it with her diet and blaming her health problems on herself. But the truth is she’s almost 50 years old and her body is going to have some trouble as it ages. I actually had to stop her and tell her that it wasn’t her fault and all she could do was go to the doctor and take good care of herself. That the sooner she did this the better chance she had of avoiding complications. She told me she had avoided going to a doctor for awhile because she was afraid to hear that something  might be wrong. This is a common problem as if not knowing will make it go away. This sort of wish fulfillment thinking (which is very New Age – this woman is also a New Age practitioner) is akin to visualizing winning the lottery and then flogging yourself when you got the numbers wrong. It isn’t very grounded and I think it is a left over from the child’s desire to blame everything on the self in order to feel in control.

Some great books on Personality Disorders are:
The Sociopath Next Door

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family”

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable and Volatile Relationship

I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

Desk Reference to the Diagnostic Criteria From DSM-IV-TR

I found Understanding the Borderline Mother to be one of the best books on personality disorders I have ever read. It gives a very clear delineation of the disorder and how it manifests differently in different people. BPD is a very complex disorder that often has many other psychological disturbances that can muddy the water. People with BPD can often have addiction problems, have eating disorders, bipolar disorder and a host of other problems making people who have to deal with a parent with BPD feel very confused about what exactly the problem is with the parent. This book is much more helpful than I Hate You Don’t Leave Me, which is probably more suited to someone with the disorder and not for someone seeking advice on how to deal with someone with this disorder. I also think the DSM can be invaluable for understanding the basic psychological issues people have, not that one should go diagnosing anyone after reading the DSM. It just gives a sense of the spectrum of disorders and how complicated yet alike we as  human beings are. The Sociopath Next Door seems to be out of print but I found it to be fascinating as the author relays the spectrum of that disorder through various anecdotal stories.

I saw that one reader (Christopher) was caring for a mentally ill mother and had a mentally ill brother. I would highly suggest reading some of these books, they really will help you to feel not so alone and give you ideas on how to set better boundaries and ultimately (I hope for your sake) they inspire you to seek help outside your family. You really shouldn’t be dealing with all of that by yourself it can be extremely damaging to your self-esteem and to your life’s purpose as people with personality disorders characteristically derail others in an attempt to get more “narcissistic supply” or what normal people would call attention. They are like psychic vampires that deplete you entirely without a thought to your needs, health, spirit or purpose for being here. Do yourself a favor Christopher and don’t take on all that burden without at least some help.

Many blessings,

Denise

Wow! Lot’s of Action!!

There has been a lot of action about some of the topics I’ve posted about. I was going to address some of what Cheri had to say early on in a post I started but didn’t finish. I understand the need to believe there is something greater at work when dealing with someone with a mental illness. But it’s my opinion that people who run the spectrum of personality disorders from NPD, to Borderline to Anti-Social Personality Disorder are devoid of empathy. I don’t believe they “volunteer” to be the bad guys. I believe they lack empathy for a variety of reasons, some environmental due to early childhood development, some have physiological problems and others from a spiritual immaturity.

Dealing with someone who has NPD, Borderline personality disorder or Anti-Social Personality disorder can be more than trying it can literally be dangerous. They are often violent and it’s my opinion that after trying everything one can to help them (if they are a relative or close friend) but they refuse to admit their actions, apologize or show the slightest bit of empathy towards you their target, then it’s your lesson to create a boundary. Sometimes that boundary is cutting them out of your life entirely. 

If the person without empathy goes through their life taking advantage, using and exploiting others without any consequences, then how are they supposed to grow? They are like children and have to understand there are consequences to their actions. Their spiritual development is in peril and the targets life is at stake if the target does not remove themselves from the situation. 

I think Cheri’s perspective very much illustrates my point having to do with New Age ideas which as someone pointed out are actually not so new. However they are new because the New Age has taken ancient esoteric ideas and modified them to fit an illusion. Now instead of years of studying ancient texts and philosophy one reads a book and becomes an expert. But the truth is our universe is very complex and can not be boiled down into little crumpet sized bites of information, ever. And more important is that “New Age,” ideology emphasizes the positive and ignores the negative. But we can not actually get to the positive side and operate in the light without examining the darkness by facing our fears and demons with realistic understanding of who we are as a person and then learning to accept and love ourself both shadow and light. Always knowing and keeping in check our dark sides, because we all have them, and anyone who claims they don’t is probably suffering from a personality disorder, unable to take responsibility for their actions, and having to make it appear to themselves that they are 100% pure goodness because they have deep seated feelings of inadequacy that they are not dealing with.

No one is perfect. Even Jesus Christ lost his s*it at the temple on the money changers. I’m sure it was not one of his proudest moments. We all do things that hurt others either unconsciously or not. It is only those who refuse to accept this, that are the truly troubled people in our society. Statistics show that 4 percent of Americans are Sociopathic (anti-social personality disorder). New research indicates that about 6 percent of Americans (mostly men – something like 60 percent) have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which was once thought to be much more rare. Here’s a link to recent findings: http://pn.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/43/15/38

And the percentage of Americans with Borderline Personality Disorder (more women than men in this case) and with about 2 percent of the population. Here’s a link to an article on BPD: http://az.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=By_Illness&Template=/TaggedPage/TaggedPageDisplay.cfm&TPLID=54&ContentID=44780

Borderline Personality Disorder is more complicated as they almost always have co-occurring disorders, making it difficult to figure out exactly what’s going on. One thing that all three of these personality disorders have in common is a lack of empathy or really an inabilty to be empathic toward others. They relate to others as extensions of themselves, and get upset when the other person reminds them (by not exactly mirroring their feelings in that moment) they are their own separate human being. 

So we are talking about approximately 12 percent of the population have serious empathy disorders meaning they are not capable of feeling for others, therefore they have no guilt about doing wrong or very little guilt that they wash away with rationalization. 

Let’s be real here. When someone has no empathy it is very easy for them to do terrible things to others, murder, rape, child abuse, severe child neglect, all the worst things we see in human behavior are driven from this state, either in a temporary break from reality when someone is in a rage such as in the case of crime of passion. However most crimes are not committed by ordinary people who temporarily become so enraged they loose control. The vast amount of people who murder, destroy, steal, hurt and do what most religions call “evil” are done by those with an empathy deficit. Often these people make up excuses for their behavior, see themselves as victims or as above others and therefore justified in their actions. 

I have had the unfortunate experience of having a parent with one of these disorders, my other parent died when I was ten. And because I grew up with a parent with a severe empathy disorder I overcompensated and like poop I draw a lot of the empathy-less flies to me, because of my early childhood training dealing with someone like that. Los Angeles is also a NPD nest as everyone who believes themselves to be “special” gravitates toward tinsel town. So I have seen more than my fair share of people who lack empathy and seen the devastation they reek on others. Believe me there is nothing special about them other than the delusional world they make up for themselves to live in.

So to Cheri I’d like to say I hope you never have to experience anyone who has one of these terrible disorders because I’m quite sure if you did your feelings would change 180 degrees. After all it’s only the empathy-less person’s feelings that matter. Cheri, I’m hoping for your sake and those around you, that you are just being overly generous and kind hearted and not defending this group because you have an affinity for them, either because you are involved with someone with one of these devastating disorders, or are among the unfortunate who suffer from one of them. If you are involved with someone like this and are in the early stages of that relationship be very careful as these people can become extremely violent once they feel they have you. And if you are involved with someone with one of these disorders due to kinship, friendship or marriage, make sure to push them to get help – they can make progress. The earlier they get help the better their chances of recovery. Often however they don’t want help because their disorder doesn’t hurt them, it hurts others which of course isn’t much of a motivator because they don’t have compassion for others. Often it takes isolation from “loved ones” for those who are empathy challenged before they can realize they need help.

It literally does no good for others to prop up those with personality disorders or to become the long suffering victim of such people, as this only keeps them in perpetual spiritual and emotional stasis. 

Best wishes and many blessings to all the kind people out there,

Denise