Personality Disorders & More…

This seems to be a very hot topic, perhaps one we can all relate to and one that strikes a deep emotional chord. Someone mentioned that calling people who run the gamut from NPD to Anti-Social Personality Disorder uncompassionate is too harsh. I’m only stating a scientific fact. Research has indicated that people with Anti-Social Personality Disorder or those labeled Sociopathic actually only show lower limbic brain activities in response to emotional situations. Tests indicate they are literally not able to have higher functioning feelings such as love, compassion, empathy, etc. There appears to be an organic part to these diseases either non-development of certain types of bonding causes the inability to physically happen in the first few years of life or some people may just have this type of brain, this is where science is unsure.

But just because some people are unable to be compassionate doesn’t mean we should be compassion-less toward them. I am not advocating anything except whatever breaking point a person gets to in dealing with people with these problems should not be judged as everyone has a certain tolerance. And as Chris points out in her interesting post somethings are just forces of nature which we can not control and there is no point in taking it personally. In fact it may have nothing at all to do with us just as the tide moving in has nothing to do with our desire or karma.

It is admirable to take responsibility for the self and necessary for our growth however there are things in life which we are not responsible for and can not change. This perhaps is the lesson. We are not all powerful Gods. We are part of God but we do not control the Universe (Thank God for that, huh!) With so many agendas and so many issues and so many various lessons we sometimes get tangled up in other people’s issues and must learn to separate. It’s OK to not take responsibility for things we have no control over like our health, our family member’s insanity or the death of a loved one. This was my point about New Age philosophy, it often takes very complicated issues and dynamics and boils them down to a catch phrase and black and white thinking. The reason the esoteric side of things was kept secret for the seeker only to know was exactly because information is powerful and misinformation is dangerous. Before we can manifest perfect health and happiness through visualization there maybe 40 years of psychological therapy needed to undo damage done in childhood, or there maybe genetic factors that make it impossible for us to be 100% physically well. We can do our part by taking care of ourselves but we can’t stop old age, disease or death through wishing it away. Chaos and decay are just as important to the balance of nature as love and harmony are, this is not something anyone would say in a get rich quick medicine show New Age book that you would ever read. It’s not what people want to hear. We want to believe we are all powerful and can fix anything we want. But we often can not and there is nothing shameful or wrong with that it is part of the process of life to understand we all must go with the flow of energy we are swimming in.

I talked to one woman today who was having some health problems and was very embarrassed about them. She kept saying she could take care of it with her diet and blaming her health problems on herself. But the truth is she’s almost 50 years old and her body is going to have some trouble as it ages. I actually had to stop her and tell her that it wasn’t her fault and all she could do was go to the doctor and take good care of herself. That the sooner she did this the better chance she had of avoiding complications. She told me she had avoided going to a doctor for awhile because she was afraid to hear that something  might be wrong. This is a common problem as if not knowing will make it go away. This sort of wish fulfillment thinking (which is very New Age – this woman is also a New Age practitioner) is akin to visualizing winning the lottery and then flogging yourself when you got the numbers wrong. It isn’t very grounded and I think it is a left over from the child’s desire to blame everything on the self in order to feel in control.

Some great books on Personality Disorders are:
The Sociopath Next Door

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family”

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable and Volatile Relationship

I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

Desk Reference to the Diagnostic Criteria From DSM-IV-TR

I found Understanding the Borderline Mother to be one of the best books on personality disorders I have ever read. It gives a very clear delineation of the disorder and how it manifests differently in different people. BPD is a very complex disorder that often has many other psychological disturbances that can muddy the water. People with BPD can often have addiction problems, have eating disorders, bipolar disorder and a host of other problems making people who have to deal with a parent with BPD feel very confused about what exactly the problem is with the parent. This book is much more helpful than I Hate You Don’t Leave Me, which is probably more suited to someone with the disorder and not for someone seeking advice on how to deal with someone with this disorder. I also think the DSM can be invaluable for understanding the basic psychological issues people have, not that one should go diagnosing anyone after reading the DSM. It just gives a sense of the spectrum of disorders and how complicated yet alike we as  human beings are. The Sociopath Next Door seems to be out of print but I found it to be fascinating as the author relays the spectrum of that disorder through various anecdotal stories.

I saw that one reader (Christopher) was caring for a mentally ill mother and had a mentally ill brother. I would highly suggest reading some of these books, they really will help you to feel not so alone and give you ideas on how to set better boundaries and ultimately (I hope for your sake) they inspire you to seek help outside your family. You really shouldn’t be dealing with all of that by yourself it can be extremely damaging to your self-esteem and to your life’s purpose as people with personality disorders characteristically derail others in an attempt to get more “narcissistic supply” or what normal people would call attention. They are like psychic vampires that deplete you entirely without a thought to your needs, health, spirit or purpose for being here. Do yourself a favor Christopher and don’t take on all that burden without at least some help.

Many blessings,

Denise

Insanity, Neglect & The New Age

It’s been awhile since I’ve had a chance to blog. Does anyone out there have a nutball in the family? I mean like an alcoholic, or a narcissist or someone with borderline personality disorder? It’s not very fun dealing with them. Not easy. They have a tendency to absorb all your time and energy by creating drama and making everyone in the family feel bad while turning themselves into a martyr. I’m sure most of you can relate. We all have someone who we have to deal with who fits this general description. I’m pretty sure that part of what fine tunes psychic ability is growing up with a crazy parent. It’s a heightened form of instinct, self-preservation. What will crazy do today? Be nice or kick me out of the house?

Every psychic I’ve ever known came from a seriously messed up family. I suppose being psychic is the consolation prize for dealing with insanity during childhood. Personally I would have prefered a normal family to “the gift.” But then we don’t get to choose sometimes, or perhaps I did choose before I could remember (on the other side).

Which brings me to a few points I’d like to make about how western people have assimilated the notion of Karma and Darma. We seem to have used it as a substitute for the old fashioned “God is punishing me,” or “I must be doing something right,” ideas. It’s become a New Age way of blaming the victim. I’m not sure if anyone saw the Oprah show about the girl who was so neglected that she was still in a diaper and weighed 30 pounds at the age of 6. She couldn’t feed herself, had lice and cockroach bites all over her and slept on a mildewed piece of foam. She couldn’t walk or talk and was still being fed from a bottle. She was cognitively still a baby from the severe neglect. Her name was Danielle and when her mother was asked in an interview about the girl she said, “All I’m guilty of is, is not keeping a clean house.” Then she started crying and said, “I love that baby.” And then when the interviewer asked the woman if she regretted anything (this was after the mother had been informed of the severe retardation she had caused the girl due to her neglect) she answered, “Moving to Florida.” Because Florida authorities were the ones who busted her and took Danielle away from her. This woman went out drinking constantly, left her child in the care of her two mentally retarded brothers and said to authorities, “I’m doing the best that I can.”

I was very disturbed by this story for so many reasons. The little girl was permanently damaged by this neglect. Although she was adopted by some kind people, her life was stolen by her sick mother. Children who suffer neglect feel invisible and those who suffer from any and all abuse feel its their own fault. This is a defense mechanisim. It’s actually easier to (as a child) believe you are the problem than your parent is, because you are completely dependant on them and the only thing you have control over is yourself, therefore if you’re a bad kid then you can change your behavior and magically your sick parent will become kind and loving. Of course this isn’t true but it is the fantasy all abused and neglected children have about their sick parent or sick parents.

Stay with me here I want to tie this mentality to many New Age beliefs. Louis L. Hay wrote a book in the late 1980s that broke down each illness and told you what was emotionally causing it, like you have back troubles, you are feeling unsupported. While I can see the value in how certain types of stress contribute to our physical problems, sometimes its really not our fault and we do not have control no matter how much we wish we did. Sometimes a person gets back trouble because they get hit by a drunk driver, or they fall down the stairs. Or they have a genetic disease. I have trouble with many of the New Age beliefs that don’t allow for chaos and the dark side of human nature. Many New Age beliefs hinge on a love and light philosophy where everything is decided by our souls before we incarnate and there are no victims and all is for the good of our development. Bull shit.

Pure and simple bull shit. There are people who throw monkey wrenches into our plans, there are people who do not live up to their side of a bargain and there are children born to psychopaths who treat them like potted plants and who steal their development and life away. How can this sort of serious abuse and neglect of a child be anything but the fault of the crazy person who could do that to a child and still believe they “love,” them. Why would any soul choose to incarnate into a situation like what Danielle had to suffer and what could she possibly have learned from it? She will spend the rest of her life with the cognitive skills of an 18 month old and when her foster parents die, she’ll end up in an institution. Does anyone deserve that? And if they do then why would Danielle have been rescued and what gives that mother the right to be so cruel?

The tangle of moral questions are too great to be answered with simple New Age platitudes or really any spiritual ideas because these are depraved acts done in the service of the darkest sides of their nature without thought or care of anyone but themselves. These people operate in the darkness of the unconsccious playing out their shadow selves while being completely unaware and unable to experience love or empathy.This mother clearly had some sort of personality disorder. She was completely unable to have empathy for anyone, even her own child.

Which leads to the question of what causes this incredible lack of empathy among people with certain personality disorders? Is it chemical, genetic or enviornmental or do they bring into this life some sort of spiritual lack that makes them incapable of caring for anyone else. These people often have deep feelings for themselves and see themselves as victims with elaborate justifications for their actions. They can turn their own evil deed into the passing stranger’s fault in a split second. They live like Plato’s cave people, in an eternal darkness projecting their emotional troubles onto others without ever seeing themselves or how they are hurting others. They never take responsibility or say they are sorry for anything as they see themselves as godlike, above all others, their emotions being the only ones that count. These are the people that bring chaos to our world, who cause wars, who are destroyers. They balance those among us who go out of our way to help others. They are the entropy to our growth. There must be a purpose for them, but I still haven’t figured out what it is yet.

Many blessing to all you kind and good people,

Denise